Today I’ve decided to start a blog. Why? I don’t know..Perhaps because everyone is doing it. Maybe it’s because I love to hear my own voice or I think my thoughts and perceptions are pretty darn awesome. I realize I’m not a writer. I have never considered expressing my thoughts through the written word a gift of mine. Yet, I love to process life and thoughts and questions through typing.
I decided to start today, because today starts a new beginning for me. I am officially an empty nester. What a weird word….most nests I see are empty. Most have fallen and are broken apart, laying on the ground. Many I have seen have pieces of egg shells or feathers in them. Some have pieces of paper, twigs, and hair holding them together. They were a home…there was life in them at some time. Yet I think most nests are never meant to be long-term.
My baby has finally moved out of our home and is stepping out to make a life of her own. This shouldn’t be hard for me…I have two other kids who have long gone. Both are married and establishing their own homes and families. But there’s something very painful about the last. If I am honest with myself…it probably has more to do with me than with her. She’s excited about moving on. I’m excited for her….this is what we have worked so hard for the past 18 yrs to have happen. We have given her, along with the help and prayers from so many others, the grounding to go out there and live life and live it well! She was never meant to stay in our “nest” forever. But this day has come. After having almost 28 years with at least one, if not all three of our children in our home…it’s just Brent and me.
I sit here in Anna’s old room…cleaning it up, washing the sheets, moving furniture, etc. From time to time its gloomy outside and it’s quiet. Today is a German holiday…Unification Day. The day where East and West came together – no more wall to separate! No business is open, no schools are in session. Not many cars are driving through town. It’s just me and the sounds of my washing machine. I’m alone today. Anna left two days ago. My parents had been visiting for a couple of weeks and they left this morning. Brent is away for meetings in the Czech Republic. I feel like this day, is the true beginning of this new season of life for me. I wonder what it will look like? I wonder if I will grab each day with excitement and childlike eyes? I wonder if I will welcome this new time in my life with open arms? I wonder if I will let fear and old patterns keep me from experiencing all that could be and should be? You see, I’m not a very disciplined person. I’m a dreamer…a visionary…a person of great intentions. But I don’t always follow through, which makes me sad at times. I don’t know what tomorrow will look like to be honest…..
It’s the end of the day now and I’ve changed Anna’s room all around. I wondered if it was a good thing to do so early. But it’s not her room any more. There’s nothing of Her in here. That sounds like she’s died…it’s not meant to, it’s just the reality. It’s just a room. There’s no life in it. There’s no pictures of friends and siblings. There’s no poems on the walls, no maps of the world, and no elephants on the shelves. There’s no sketch books and leaves and notes from friends on her desk. It’s hard. I cry from time to time. I will miss her here in this house. Again, I’m excited for her…I’m just sad for me right now!
So like I said…it’s a new season in my life. Cleaning a room and allowing something new to take place in this space is a picture of my life right now. I celebrate the past. I celebrate and remember what has brought me to this place. I’m thankful for the years of “growing” my children. They are a part of my flesh and bones. They each reflect a little bit of me and of Brent. But even more so…they are now and will continue to grow into amazing men and women – reflections of God.
So at the end of Day One of my blog….my thoughts….my heart….I await with open arms, dried eyes and a little bit of wonder for what’s ahead. Tomorrow’s another day!